On my mind…

January 11, 2013 - Leave a Response

I read an interesting article today in The Atlantic about the difference between living a happy life and a meaningful life.  In a nutshell, the article explained that living a life centered around the pursuit of happiness did not necessarily result in true happiness because one was ultimately on a search to fulfill their desires, however, living a meaningful life resulted in feelings of fulfillment because it translated into the pursuit of helping others and discovering/understanding one’s greater, non self-serving purpose.

This article was divine intervention of sorts as I’ve been questioning my life and its meaning and what it will have all meant in the end.  Granted, I am questioning things that I will not know until the end, however, I am certainly coming face to face with the fact that my life cannot just be about the simple pursuit of my happiness, it must be about the pursuit of meaning.

This is the article http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/01/theres-more-to-life-than-being-happy/266805/

A Prayer For The Darkest Hour

December 17, 2012 - Leave a Response

The craziest thing about a day is the juxtaposition of experience from one person to the next.  One person’s brisk Friday afternoon can be another’s personal nightmare.

Friday was a good day for me.  I left work at lunch to make an appointment at the W Hotel.  After the appointment, for some strange reason I decided to walk back to work.  It was an unusually warm day, the sun was out, I felt fortunate to be able to take in the day and I certainly needed the exercise.  I set out for my walk…took a stroll up 15th, cut through the promenade in front of the White House, saw the construction that was taking place in preparation for the inaugural ceremony, marveled at the thought that my President is Barack Obama…I walked up Pennsylvania Ave, cut through GW’s campus, stopped in Whole Foods and picked up a gift for a birthday party.  And finally, approximately 30 minutes after setting out on foot I made it back to my office.

It is absolutely amazing then to think that while I was marveling at the White House and taking in the sunlight that seemed to perfectly dance off of the front lawn – right at the time that I was taking in the sheer beauty of the day – the world was standing still for those that were in the midst of their very darkest hour.

While I was experiencing the levity of a remarkably beautiful Friday, families, friends, and the Newtown community were waging a war with the devil.  A devil that carried out the slaughter of the innocents.

It is not until I got back to my office and walked by the TV in the common room that I learned the full story – 26 human beings murdered, 20 of them babies.  I watched President Obama address the nation and welled up with emotion as he fought his own tears.  He cried for the innocent.  He cried for the senseless violence.  He cried because yet again, as a country, we had reached a new low.  The nation and many across the world wept with him.

This might sound ridiculous, however, I find it amazingly cruel that the unthinkable happens to us – we lose loved ones, we experience violent trauma, we have unspeakable acts of savagery committed against us – and no matter how horrific the occurrence and how hurtful it is, time doesn’t stand still because of our hurt.

There are countless families in Newtown that suffered a wound that will never be made whole.  They lost a child, a mother, a sister, a wife, a friend, an aunt and their world went dark…and in what seems like the cruelest twist for those in the midst of the darkness, the sun had the audacity to rise again on Saturday and light a world that did not include their loved one.

I’ve heard people share kind words to help digest the horrific day…look for the helpers…lean into your faith…focus on the good in people…all good thoughts.

Like so many, I wish I had something to say or communicate that would help.  I wish I could erase this hurt.  I wish I could do something.  With that wish, I will do the only thing that I can do – I will send up a prayer to the universe…to a God that I am undoubtedly conflicted with right now…to a heaven that I’m certain exists only because we witnessed the work of the devil last week…

A prayer for those in the darkest hour:
My prayer is that little by little, each day, the sun will become just a bit easier to bare and that one day its warmth will remind you not of the love that was unfairly taken away, but of the love that was transitioned to the universe and made manifest to us all.

Peace and love.

The Stuff That Memories Are Made Of

November 13, 2012 - 2 Responses

It has almost been a week since election night, however, I think it’s still safe to say that those of us that cast a vote for Barack Obama are breathing a collective sigh of relief.  Last Tuesday night was rife with emotion and it certainly took its toll on me.  For me, I think, it was a lethal mix of sleep deprivation and anxiety.  But as I think about November 6th I can’t help but think of how grateful I am for that day.

I was lucky enough to have gone to the polls with my parents.  We cast our ballot in the swing state of Virginia.  It was a split decision that I made the morning before the election – spend the night at my folks’ house, vote early, leave absolutely nothing to chance.

I got to my parents house the evening of November 5th.  Earlier that day I called home and asked my mother if she would have dinner ready (you have to ask because there are no guarantees!).  I got home that evening and my Mom had some of the finest carryout ready for me.  Styrofoam take out containers and all!     That evening I also had the chance to introduce my parents to Spotify.  We probably set up for an hour playing songs on demand that they wanted to hear.  I slept in my old room with strict instructions from my mother and father that the plan was to be at the polls by 5:30 am.  I must admit that I winced at the thought…at which point my parents gave me that look that said, you can do what you want to do but we’ll be pulling out of the driveway at 5:30 am, with or without you.  Understood

The morning of November 6th we were in line at 5:30 as planned.  My parents were right to have stuck to such a strict schedule.  Even with our early arrival there were approximately 60-70 folks ahead of us.  I think about that early morning — rising at 4:45 am, finally leaving the polls at 6:30 am — and in addition to being thankful for my parents smart planning, I’m thankful that I had that entire experience with them.

To be clear, we always vote.  Not voting is never an option.  However, this election was personal.  To see how far we’ve come as a country.  To see that more of us are alike than not alike.  To see that we can re-elect a man not based on the color of his skin but by the content of his character and to be able to walk with your head a bit higher because that man just happens to also look like you…to get to experience that with my Mom and my Dad…well, that’s quite simply the stuff that memories are made of.

- peace

Bad Habits

November 3, 2012 - Leave a Response

Watching the devastation in the tri state area has me thinking about my bad habits and the situation that I’d certainly be in if I still lived at the corner of Carlton and Greene in Ft. Greene Brooklyn.

Seeing the gas lines and reading the NYTimes about many of those that were ill prepared for this magnitude of a storm (who really could prepare for this?) I can’t help but imagine the trouble that I would be in.  In my older age I’ve taken to letting my gas tank get ridiculously close to empty, so I would definitely be in a gas line.  I rarely have a full fridge – however this is something that I’m trying to do better with given the shame I felt when a recent house guest gasped at my bare pantry.  What can I say?  I try not to keep a bunch of crap on hand (only the essentials, frozen meat and veggies) and I loathe the grocery store.

I just need to do better.  Before the storm hit I was prepared with the following:

1 apple
1 banana
left over chinese food from twin dragon carry out (I affectionately call it “ghetto chinese”)
2 scented candles
2 flashlights
Water
And any minute there I was going to put my hands on my battery powered radio…yeah, I never found that.

In case of emergency in Petworth DC/upper Northwest I was certainly f*cked.

I’m grateful for the fact that the storm was not devastating in the DC region (though the federal and local government and the transit system shut down) but truly saddened by the havoc the storm wreaked in the tri-state region.  New York city was my home for four years.  The c train, the train that I took to work every morning, that I only saw shut down during the transit strike, is out of commission.   What I’m seeing is shocking.

They say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.   Let’s hope that is true.  As humans we are blessed with innate resilience, mostly because there is no reasonable alternative.

My thoughts, prayers, and meditations are with those trying to make it in the tri-state.

I’ll end with this – a wise man once told me tough times don’t last but tough people do.

- here’s to making it.

In Sickness…

November 1, 2012 - Leave a Response

One of the worst things about having a cold is the looming bedtime hour.  For some strange reason, it’s as if your body can tell that it’s finally time to rest and recoup and it’s at that exact second that the coughing starts.   This is what I’m experiencing at this very moment.  I believe I’m on day nine of this.

I’ve suffered through a soar throat, sneezing, coughing, temperature sensitivity, and fever and it wasn’t until yesterday, finding myself in the fell clutch of circumstance, that I turned to drugs – a Z pack to be specific.

Having been free of sickness for quite some time I had become quite unaware of the concept of forcing myself to rest.  In fact, it’s still quite hard.  How can I rest when there’s wine to drink?  Laughs to have?  Life to live?  Suffice it to say, I’m having a problem with being sidelined, however I am working through it.

As I’m forced to be still and sleep sitting up (one way to keep the cough at bay during the midnight hour) I am reacquainting myself with my blog and putting a bit of mileage on the ole keyboard.

Here’s hoping that AT LEAST by Sunday I’ll feel like brand new money.  Whatever that feels like.

- to health.

Time and Tide

July 29, 2012 - 3 Responses

Time waits for no man
And in and instant it seems
That everything you ever knew and ever held true
Is suddenly somewhere in that cruel and peace-less in between
Truths unraveling bit by bit
Hanging in the balance of firm reality
Dreams and sweetness hang on the tip
In the forefront on the tongue as you struggle with the shift
I think of her next chapter
And what that means for mine
The love
The fear
And everything in between
I stand on the shore
Watching the changing tides
Holding on to the past
Standing as firm as possible in the present
Fighting and negotiating the fickle tide
Going along as we have no choice
No one can stop the sheer force of time

-cr

To watch her grow old and watch her mind betray is one of the most helpless feelings.  I’m using this platform to share that hurt this evening.  The beauty of time.  The cruelty of time.  The sheer lack of control that we ultimately have over time – though an easy concept to grasp is a tough reality that stings.  Tonight I am sad for change that my family is going through.  But my sadness is ultimately my selfishness.

Good or bad I’m grateful for feeling.  Thank God for feeling.

words that move.

July 6, 2012 - One Response

I’m certain that I love words.  I love everything about them…the way they make me feel, the way I can use them to move people, the way I can put them on paper and rediscover them years later and be instantly taken back to a time.  I even love the way they look.

Never let anyone tell you that font doesn’t matter.  Font is everything.

I was reminded how much I love words after reading Frank Ocean’s tumblr about his first love.  Regardless of what kind of love you believe in – straight, gay – his words are beautiful, so beautiful that I’m able to put aside that his first love had a girlfriend (in Future voice at the same damn time).  If you’ve ever been in love and loved someone so much that you thought you wouldn’t come back from it, his words take you to that place.

Maybe I’m just a sucker for good beginnings.  Frank opens his piece with this… “Whoever you are, wherever you are…I’m starting to think we’re a lot alike.  Human beings spinning on blackness.  All wanting to be seen, touched, heard, paid attention to…”

That is dope.

If you love words you have to check this out http://frankocean.com/

Here’s to words that move.

Move someone with your words this weekend.

Peace.

33 Years & A Note About Love.

June 20, 2012 - 7 Responses

This morning I wake up to the day that marks the 33rd anniversary of my birth.  It is also the first day of my life that I no longer have my aunt.  Last night, as I watched Miami and OKC play yet another game, I got the call that she transitioned to the sweet by and by.

The most bitter pill to swallow with age is watching the people that you love pass away.  Love is placed in your life from the moment you are born and then in timely or untimely fashion love, in its physical manifestation, is taken away from you.  The most shocking thing for those of us that remain is the love that is taken too soon…death always comes too soon, but death that does not come at the end of one’s life – 80s, 90s and beyond is the death that especially hurts.  It reminds us of our own mortality…it reminds us of the physical love that we’ve lost…

I did not expect the end to come this soon, however, I rest well in the certainty that she knew, without a doubt that I loved her.

In the end it’s the little things that you remember…the meticulous meals that she made, the Bombay Gin that she loved, the look on her face as I watched her play with her baby granddaughter this past year, the love and hope that she had for her daughter and son, and her eternal friendship with my uncle…on my 33rd birthday I’m SO grateful for this kind of love.  The love that pulls at your heart strings…the love that fills you with tears that rush down your face…the love that you never forget…

I know that she knew that I loved her and I know that she is watching over her loved ones now.  With that belief I welcome my 33rd year of life and prepare to accept that my aunt’s physical love has transitioned to the universe.  I pray that some of that love surrounds me on this day…that it surrounds her daughter, son, and my uncle…and that as her grandchildren grow they also come into that love.

Here’s to love.

When I lost my grandfather unexpectedly, for some reason, the following quote helped me through

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love.  It can’t take away our memories either.  In the end, life is stronger than death.”

Peace.

The Greatest Generation

May 28, 2012 - 4 Responses

Although most of us think of the Memorial Day weekend as an occasion that kicks the summer season into high gear, it is most importantly a solemn remembrance of those who served and gave their lives for their country.

This weekend, as I heard the roar of the Rolling Thunder bike riders rumble through the city, and caught a glimpse of the Memorial Day parade on TV, I thought of the men from my own family who have served.

It was a story that I heard on NPR this weekend that immediately brought my paternal grandfather to the forefront of my mind.  I listened as the woman, who had to have been my grandmother’s age, discussed her desire to serve her country during WWII and that desire led her to join the American Red Cross.  The woman’s cracked and fragile voice came through the radio and recalled the patriotism she felt in being able to be there, as the soldiers came off the front line, to provide coffee, cigarettes, and other basic comforts.  She said something to the affect that young soldiers, so far away from the home front really appreciated anything that reminded them of home – a smile, a kind face, nurturing etc.  It’s funny how certain soldiers got different reminders.  Throughout my life I recall my grandfather telling his American Red Cross story.  He served in the Pacific theater during WWII, I believe it was in Papau New Guinea.  He remembered being far away from home, in the depths of the jungle, seeing native people – the likes of which he’d never dreamed existed (I’ve seen some of the pictures).  His company stopped at an outpost, walked to the Red Cross table and they were told that colored soldiers would not be served coffee or cigarettes.

From the time I can recall, as a young child, into adult hood, I remember my grandfather telling that story so clearly.  It was something that he needed to share and it would come up every now and then.  If the Red Cross called the house and solicited him, he would tell them that story.  If an ad for the Red Cross came on TV he would repeat the story to us.  It was a searing rejection, that he’d certainly received  stateside, but to be in Papau New Guinea, a million miles from Newport News Virginia, serving his country, it was an injustice that he could never forget and he wouldn’t let us forget it either.

My Grandpa as a young enlisted man

My Grandpa visiting the WWII memorial

I think that my Grandfather shared that story throughout his life so that we would never forget the injustices that black soldiers encountered during that time and to let us know that one can persevere in spite of their circumstances.  My grandfather would make it safely home from the war, remain proud of his service, in spite of any injustice, go on to marry my grandmother and raise a generation of Ricks’s who would go out into this world and remember his legacy.  One of those Ricks’s he would proudly watch follow in his footsteps, illustrated in the photo below where you can see my grandfather pinning my father during his promotion ceremony in 1975.

My maternal grandfather also served his country as a member of the Army Air Force.  He was a Master Sergeant stationed in South Carolina with the 113th base unit, squadrant C.  He would go on to marry my grandmother, raise two children, one of them a son who would serve his country in Vietnam.  Neither my maternal grandfather nor my uncle ever had much to say about their time served but I know that their experience helped shape them into the strong men that they would become.

One of the most frightening things to me is history’s depiction of blacks and their service during WWII.  I watched Saving Private Ryan, and in the scene where the soldiers stormed the beach at Normandy I saw no black faces.  I also don’t recall seeing blacks depicted in the movie as the company traveled throughout Europe.  I don’t want history to forget the young black men that gave so much during a time when they couldn’t even receive service at a Woolworth’s lunch counter.  They showed up, they were there.

I am in awe of the members of my family that have served their country.  I am even more in awe that they served during a time that their country did not serve them – that is especially true for my grandfathers…members of the greatest generation.

Each and every day I pray for the type of strength that they had to have in order to persevere through tough times.  As my ole man often says – tough times don’t last, but tough people do.

Thank you to all who have answered the call to serve.

peace

A Confession

May 16, 2012 - One Response

I would like to share with my loyal readers (can you say, party of one!) that I finally bit the bullet and paid for a digital subscription to the New York Times.

I’m not sure what made me leave my cheap, sorry a*s ways behind…

…Perhaps it was the squeeze that the Times put on me, that proverbial wide open field of access that then slowed to a painful trickle – it amounted to suffocation.  First I could only read 20 stories a month, then five – GASP.  Please know that I went to great lengths to expand my access…there were the articles I read on my work computer, followed by the articles I read on my iPad.  I can’t tell you the anxiety that I would feel when the ticker would suddenly pop-up at the bottom of the page telling me that I only had two articles left for the month and it was only the second day of the month.  They were on to me.

…OR maybe it was that frightening article that I was glued to on Monday about psychopathy in children, juxtapose that with an article about 30-something women whose grandparents are chipping in to help them freeze their eggs (can you say, pass the collection plate) – what can I say?  I like reading bizzaro stories that scare the sh*t out of me.

The fact that I work in the publishing business and was being such a cheapskate is beyond me.  I guess it’s hard to break old habits.

The crazy thing is that I lived in NYC for four years and rarely read the Times, however, when I left the city the Times was such a vivid reminder of my New York life.  The Arts and Style section of the Times gave me funk, the funk I missed from my Fort Greene neighborhood (it doesn’t get better than Fort Greene Brooklyn on a sunny day, sipping an adult beverage and enjoying tasty morsels from Habana Outpost).  The business section reminded me of Broadway and the Avenue of the Americas area, and the NY Region section has always painted a broad picture of what it’s like to be a New Yorker.

People ask me if I miss NYC and I tell them that I don’t miss it from a longing standpoint, for me, the city definitely had an expiration date.  However I look back on my time in NYC with fond memories.  I don’t so much miss the city as I miss who I was while I was there – young, twenty-something, and as my ole man would say “full of piss and vinegar.”

Every time I read the NY Times it reminds me of my connection to the city and the fact that I made it there, therefore I can make it anywhere.

Peace.

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